8 minutes in - Huwie sticks to his New Years resolution and decides not to score a one on one. 10 – 45 minutes – the Ressies do not compete, win no second balls, look generally lacklustre and Phil showboats to no effect whatsoever. Half-time 0 – 0.

55 minutes – the Drayton keeper tries to take the ball round Big Ben who nicks the ball off him and slides it in to the empty net. 1 – 0. A bit of luck at last and the turning point of the game. 62 minutes – Tommy and Phil (much better second half) play a great one two down the Drayton right which culminates with Phil superbly getting on the end of Tommy's cut back and its 2 – 0. 65 minutes – the rubbers come off Dave Harris' zimmerframe and he is taken off back to the old people's home. 75 minutes – a neat move down the Drayton left puts Tommy into the penalty box and his finish is unnerring, 3 – 0. Apparently the game finished 4 – 0 with another Drayton keeper cock-up and an O.G., but your correspondent was in the changing room by now enjoying a lovely hot shower. Hopefully it was still warm by the time the rest of the team got in…. COMMENT: The Ressies have played better this season and lost, so its welcoming to get all 3 points in a convincing victory and not play so well throughout. Man of the Match: Ben (but here's a bit of advice from another top striker….if only he'd taken all his chances……).

Best team performance of the season…..controlled game aside from a ten minute period in first half when 2 silly goals were given away….then missed 2 great chances in second half to score….then got a Hand of God goal…..then ended up with nothing from game. Comment: I'm very busy and just haven't got time to put together a proper report. Sorry. Man of the Match: The whole team.

PS. Picked up 6 points anyway today from other teams indiscretions, so push for promotion now on….

Sven Goran Enchikson returned from his European sojourn and introduced a continental 3-5-2 line up for the Ressies trip to Blewbury. The team was given a new look too with a first start of the season for Mike Trubby, a recall for Will Roberts and Ben Harrison decided he wasn't too good for the Ressies after all….The Ressies matched Blewbury in the early stages and the game was a tight, even affair. A break down the right midway through the first half saw Trubby force a good save out of the ‘Bury keeper. Shortly after, Ben Harrison blasted a free kick from the edge of the box well wide (no Tris, not half as wide as yours last week….)Minutes before half-time (for the third bloody week in a row!), Blewbury stole ahead with a neat stooping header at the near post. Almost straight after the kick off, Blewbury went through again, but keeper Craig pulled off a good blocking save. •  down at half-time and as Webber said, trooping off, “I'm having a mare…”. Yup. After the break, Blewbury pressed early and missed a few good chances. The Ressies clung on and began to create some opportunities of their own. Ben H had a shot saved and then played in Huwie who drove over the bar when he should really have hit the target (mm, déjà vu…)Marcham kept up the pressure and a long, arching cross into the box from Andy on the left, saw the ball sail over the despairing ‘Bury keeper into the far corner of the net. Not even Chalmers could blag it that he meant that one! Blewbury were by now getting desperate for the win that would keep them on track for the title and threw bodied forward. With a minute to go Blewbury moved through on goal and drew a fine save from Craig, only for the ball to rebound out to an unmarked ‘Bury forward who prodded the ball home into the empty net. 2-1, game over. COMMENT: A hard working performance that saw the Ressies unlucky to come away without a point. More performances like that and the points are bound to come. What performance will they put on next week however? MoM: Tris. Organised well from the back and a great way to sign off before his op.

Everybody signed in at the RAF base gatehouse and headed off to the pitch….apart from Foxy that is who decided to drive off into an entirely different entrance in the opposite direction, setting off a major security alert in the process. Regrettably, this was not the last evidence of Foxy's woeful lack of direction today…The Ressies had the bare 11 men and took the pitch with no linesman. Two spectators were asked if they might run the line but declined citing lack of knowledge….never stopped Hench before. 10 minutes in and the Ressies are doing ok, looking the better team….apart from Foxy that is who's first touch and passing ability reminded your correspondent of a vintage Horse display. The defence was holding firm and Benson were being restricted to long range opportunities. A Marcham break saw Joe Vaughan played in…..but Joe decided to pass the ball back to the Benson keeper rather than have the shot the rest of us would have gone for (well apart from Webber that is who is of course banned from shooting, due to his frightening ability to embaress himself from such situations). Just as the Ressies can see half-time approaching, Benson nick a goal from a long ball flicked past the advancing keeper Craig. Heads were not down though and as Craig said at half-time, “C'mon boys, we're the better team”. Stand-in gaffer Huwie told the team to keep it tight for the first 5-10 minutes after half-time and then look to build from there. 5-10 minutes after the break….3-0 to Benson. Tris was by now completely on top of his game and he sent a free-kick from the edge of the box approximately 20 miles past the far post. A further shot from Tris minutes later is currently on a collision course with Will Westall's penalty from the same ground somewhere out towards the Milky Way. When Tris then somehow managed to tackle himself from behind while trying to play a through ball, all the Ressies appealed to the ref to send him off….unfortunately the ref left him on. Webber, as usual, spent much of the game mistiming high bouncing balls coming in his direction, seeing them sail over his head [tip to Webber: set off for the ball a minute or so earlier and you might just get there…]. Jaimie Morse then went through on goal after a mazy run, only to see his shot well saved by the keeper (you've got to be encouraging to the youngsters..). Tom Rudkin did find the step up in class from the 1 st team a little daunting, but he soon slotted into the Ressies standard of play and did not look at all out of place (how worrying is that…). Tom though is clearly a first team player as he actually managed to hit the target with a shot near the end of game. Huwie then showed him what being a reserve team player is actually all about and drove a shot from the edge of the box some 10 yards over the bar….3-0 and well beaten in the end. Foxy remained consistent right to the bitter end….and walked straight off the pitch into the wrong dressing room at the final whistle (and some people think I make this stuff up….there's no need too!!). Comment : The Ressies are heading downhill faster than a very fast thing headed downhill very fast. Man of the Match : Tris. A truly memorable performance.

The Ressies had targeted this game as a six-pointer and on the back of two straight wins (well, I know East Hendred didn't turn up, but its still a win…) the team was in confident mood. Mrs Henchikson had even boil washed the new kit especially….Nelly found the Kappa-esque figure hugging shirts a joy to wear. The game kicked off and Marcham were slow to start. Gradually the Ressies did get on top and on the quarter hour mark Huwie nipped in between defender and keeper and prodded the ball onto the post (the nearest he got all day…)Then, against the run of play, Hagbourne broke down the right and a move ended with the winger toe-poking an aimless, speculative, hopeful ball from out wide towards goal….keeper Craig had it covered….”WIDE” he shouted….as the ball came to nestle in the far corner of the net. “It swerved” he said…course it did Craig….Ressies heads were down now and Hagbourne broke through the Marcahm ‘defence' with ease at almost every opportunity. Half-time came and Marcham were fortunate to go in only 1-0 down. Dixie went off injured at the break and Tris replaced him. Nelly moved back to a more accustomed defensive role (although I think his forward play in the first half had not been too bad…) and the changes seemed to have paid off, with Tris and Joe Vaughan creating 2 opportunities in quick succession after the restart. This revival was all too brief however and the Ressies soon fell back into their first half lethargy. Spirits were not helped by the teams principal whingers.Foxy and Viner having a moaning match in the centre circle (look lads….you were BOTH crap ok?) but Foxy did at least give the crowd a good laugh when he cut in from the left past 2 defenders and then proceeded to miss the goal entirely from right on the penalty spot. This however was not as funny as Horse galloping through on goal shortly after, missing the ball with his head, but connecting his head with the upright instead. Hagbourne continued to beat the Ressies defence at will….and it would have been nice to report here that Hench's self-introduction at centre-half stemmed the flow…. Hagbourne got their second 5 minutes from time and it was all over. Quite frankly the score could have been anything and it was only down to some woeful finishing by the Hagbourne forwards who missed chance after chance (Huwie: pay attention here), that the score line was even respectable. COMMENT: Forget the actual score, it was the worst ‘performance' of the season by a country mile. Abysmal.

Coach Enchikson rang the changes for this early season relegation 6 pointer and opted for an attacking 4-4-2 formation. The Ressies started brightly and dominated the first 10 minutes, carving Warboro apart with ease. On the quarter hour mark, the Warboro centre half miscontrolled a square pass on the edge of his own box and Leighton seized on the loose ball and crashed an unstoppable drive past the hapless keeper. 1 – 0. Marcham kept up the pressure and a sweeping passing movement down the left soon had the Ressies in dreamland. Foxy started the move bringing the ball out of defence, laid it off neatly to the impressive Jamie, who in turn played in Huwie on the edge of the box and whose driven ball into the area was met by Horse at full gallop and who took out 2 defenders and the keeper all in one bulldozing movement and was then first to his feet to prod the ball over the line from fully one yard out. 2- 0 and cruising (although not in the Potty and Leighton sense…). Marcham eased off a little before the break and allowed Warboro back into the game, but it was a buoyant Reserve team who went in deservedly ahead at the break. Warboro had clearly received a half-time roasting from coach Womble (never a pleasant experience…) and they came out firing. Womble announced their intentions by immediately booting Viner straight up into the air, but Viner never one to moan, said nothing…. The referee turned a blind eye to this too since he was more focused on enforcing the far more important rules of the game such as no swearing, correct throw-ins (Potty you will be fined the next one of these you do) and drop-balls at every possible opportunity (presumably in order to allow Womble further free opportunity to lash out at Marcham players…). Warboro's pressure and possession inevitably began to take its toll and it was no surprise when a 25 yard screamer gave keeper Craig no chance. 2 – 1. Marcham took kick-off and immediately a neat interchange between Leighton and Huwie put the Welshman though on goal, only to blast his ‘effort' high and wide in best Trafford fashion..…The Ressies were soon on the backfoot again and Craig's goal was laid to siege for the last 25 minutes or so of the game. This relentless pressure was temporarily broken by a Huwie breakaway from the half-way line that saw him go one-on-one with the keeper. The Welshman sat the goalie down and went round him only for the keeper to pull him down from behind before he could slot the ball home…Huwie gamely got back to his feet and tried to prod the ball over the line nonetheless, but by now a defender had got back to clear the ball away…penalty surely…”no penalty” said the ref…keeper not sent off…play on. The ref later informed a mildly irritated Huwie that he had invoked the ‘3 second rule' (?????) because he had got back to his feet and not stayed down…as Webber said in the dressing room afterwards “I think the ref was actually thinking of the safe braking distance in motorway driving…”. This was not the last bizarre incident of the game. Warboro continued to press and besiege the Marcham goal. Keeper Craig decided that now would be a good time to tie up his shoelaces…”ref, can I tie up my shoelaces?”…”no” said the ref….Craig got Andy to tie them up anyway…Warboro played on, correctly, and narrowly missed an open goal with Andy bent down tying up Craig's laces in the middle of the box whilst pandemonium rained around them…you cannot make this stuff up. Scenes reminiscent of The Alamo ensued for the final 10 minutes….balls were kicked off the line by Webber….balls were headed out by Andy and Dixie… Potty tried hard too….chances were missed….and amidst it all….one man stood tall….a hero emerged….keeper Craig (shoes all tied up and everything) pulled off at least 4 or 5 world class saves. The referee finally blew his whistle…after 8 minutes of added on time!!!…and the Ressies had won. COMMENT: Viner said in the dressing room after the game that “we definitely won't get relegated now…”, then again, Viner is renowned for his famous “we play it from the back…to the midfield….to the fr…Oh Fuck it..” pre-match speech. Could this be another Vinerism that comes back to haunt him. Man of Match: Referee gave it to Andy or Horse, your correspondent gives it to Craig.

24.09.05

Sven Gordon Enchikson's rousing pre-match talk was still ringing in Marcham ears as the Ressies took to the field of battle against Kintbury Ressies….fight for every ball, make it hard for them, really get stuck in, win the first ball, win the knock down, compete….5 minutes into the game and Kintbury are 2 – 0 up…Marcahm's 4-5-1 formation (developed to contain Kintbury…) was taking a while to bed in, but for the next 10-15 minutes it looked like it might just be working. Then, from the right, Kintbury swung in a long, arching cross that the Kintbury forward caught sweet as a plum on his shin, and dribbled a 20 yard slow, bobbling daisy-cutter that keeper Craig, doing a first class impersonation of an Easter Island statue, watched crawl past him into the right hand corner of the net. 3-0. Soon it was 4 – 0 and a feeling of déjà vu was spreading through the team. At half-time, Joe Vaughan was sacrificed for Jamie making his debut and the Ressies started brightly, preventing Kintbury from adding to their first half tally for a good 5 minutes. A neat move involving at least 2 Marcham passes ended with Trafford firing in a screaming drive that felled a giant Redwood tree in nearby Hampshire…Webber was having a torrid time on the right of defence and spent the majority of the game on the backfoot/on his arse as Kintbury's tricky left winger roasted him time after time. It wasn't too long before Kintbury added in goals 5 and 6 and a Marcham fightback was looking increasingly unlikely. Goal number 7 was a superb, crashing header buried into the Marcham net by…Dixie…Andy Chalmers was slightly concussed after that, but was brought quickly back to his senses by the sight of Hench warming up on the line to replace him…Horse then played a neat one-two with Huwie, which ended with the Welshman having to run fully 50 yards to get the return ‘pass'. The final Kintbury goal then went in and Marcham were soundly beaten.COMMENT: Oh fuck, its going to be a very long season. Man of the Match: Horse.Post Match Comment: Anyone who went out on Saturday night with the Ressies to ‘celebrate' this performance will not forget the evening…Hench ‘lost' the kitty…lost the power of speech…and finally lost his clothes in the Blue Boar. Reports of the Japanese whaling fleet being seen approaching Abingdon up The Thames have been denied. Hench has undoubtedly thrown down the gauntlet for this season's Golden Flip Flop award…the standard has been set.

Marcham's 2 nd XI went into this game full of confidence on the back of a determined 1 –1 away draw at Kingsclere. Their pre-match optimism was soon shown to be sadly misplaced…. The Ressies began the game at half-pace and soon got slower. Effort, commitment, first-to-the-ball, passion…all of these things were lacking. Against the run of play, it remained 0-0 for the first 15 minutes or so. The team was completely overrun in midfield, Viner did a valiant job in the center, but one man can only do so much on his own and he was soon playing deeper than Captain Nemo on a potholing expedition.Stanny's first goal was scored on the counter after a Ressie's corner and gave the keeper no chance. In fact, all 3 of Stanny's first half goals came on the back of Marcham attacks and it was soon clear that Marcham were purposely not going forward to avoid being caught out on the counter attack…. Half time came (thank God) and Sven Gordon Enchikson swapped Mark Trafford in midfield with Potty, and Andy Chalmers and Will Ladders switched centre half and left back positions. For 10 minutes, this astute tactical move looked to be paying dividends and Stanny could not add to their half time tally. However, Stanny's 4 th goal effectively killed off any Marcham hopes. It was conservatively 5 – 10 yards offside, but as Stanny's linesman was just bending down to retrieve his white stick at this point, the goal stood. Horse was then body slammed by a Stanny defender, but Ken Dodd (aka Doug Williamson) the referee waved play on, Stanny broke away and scored their 5 th . A sixth soon followed and Marcham heads were down. The only chance of the game for Marcham fell to veteran striker Huwie froma Horse flick on, but he was denied by a magnificent full length diving save by the Stanny keeper that brought gasps all round…Stanny got their 7 th shortly before the final whistle and all hopes of a Marcahm comeback were over. COMMENT: A piss poor team performance that got exactly what it deserved…FUCK ALL. Ken Dodd's Man of the Match – Viner or Huwie (which says it all really).